15 Jul Guest Post - My Anxiety

This week we have a guest post, by someone whom I am very privileged to call a friend, Fiona Morgan. Fiona and I met via Twitter and have become firm friends, since we share the same diagnoses and pretty much parallel lives in many respects. I know that come what may, she is at the end of the phone/text and vice versa. The following post is Fi's personal experience of living with anxiety and demonstrates how each of us is different.

So we all think we know what anxiety is, but like Cinderella, one shoe does not fit all.

Lots of people think it's panic attacks, or crying uncontrollably, or even sitting in a corner rocking (actually did that once, well did all of those things) and yes anxiety can be all of those things. But for the past 2 and bit years, mine has increasingly become worse and my husband didn't have a clue.

So how does anxiety manifest for me? Now remember this is me and me alone, we are all different.

Well... I get up and can get to work, but all the time, and I mean every second of the day, I am telling myself I can't do my job now, (imposter syndrome) when I'm Signing or writing. I have interpreted a full lecture and come out thinking, wow I did that, that must've been crap!

When I'm driving I'm going through every way I might not know how to do abc, and through this I bite the inside of my lip until I have indents, I may have tasted  blood once or twice too.

I am tired as my brain will not stop at night, I wake up thinking, worried what day it is, if I'm late, if I didn't hear the kids during the night. They are teens now!

My head goes in circles, I have worried about my oldest going to university in Edinburgh since she was 5!!! She doesn't even know what uni she wants to go to... go figure!! I worry that I have passed on my 'mentalness' to my youngest. It has been explained to me it doesn't really work like this but hey, I'm a mum, the guilt comes as a package!

I also don't eat (my sister is the same) this is a new manifestation  for me. I could always eat, now my stomach can be so tight and I go so long without eating proper I throw up (yuk!) 

I go quiet, or rather passive aggressive, that's always fun with the teens. Or yes sometimes it all gets too much and I blow, scream, shout, kick and cry.

I try to remind myself that it's not forever, I use car brake lights to bring me down from my worry, and I have recently been referred to counselling and restarted meds, but the best thing I have done is talk to my people. I told my husband everything, a first in 21 years together, and spoke to amazing people I met through Twitter that have became real friends, as well as my family, and friends I see regularly. 

So as you see anxiety doesn't always manifest itself in the same way to everyone or even to the same person in the same way. Just like the coping mechanisms isn't the same for everyone, or work all the time for the same person. Just like people, no one is the same.

Fiona Morgan is an author living in Scotland, give her a follow on Twitter @FionaMorgan79  and Instagram @f.y.morgan